| I'm gonna go medieval on your ass |
[02 Feb 2006|02:14am] |
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World News Now |
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AUGUST 5--Meet Robert McClain. The Michigan man, 42, was arrested last
week after he attempted to literally go medieval on cops. According to
the below Royal Oak Police Department report, officers were dispatched
to McClain's home after a motorist called 911 to report that McClain
had fled the scene of an auto accident. When they arrived at his crib,
McClain allegedly tried to strike a cop with a four-foot sword. After
missing, McClain retreated to his basement, where he donned a chainmail
armored vest and leather gauntlets to protect his arms. He also added a
giant wooden mallet to his arsenal and beckoned officers to come
downstairs and get him. "I'm gonna crush your fucking skulls," McClain
warned. Then, in a nice rhetorical flourish (for a lunatic, at least),
he added, "I have a thousand years of power." That omnipotence,
however, was no match for a police Taser, which felled McClain. He was
then carted off and charged with felony assault and a misdemeanor count
for failing to remain at an accident scene.
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| Sadness |
[01 Feb 2006|06:07am] |
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"Full House Theme" |
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Jodi Sweetin *stephanie on Full House* has been admitted to rehab for
her crystal meth addiction. Supposedly it ruined her career as a
daycare teacher (meh, I guess that's a career) and marriage. I have
issues with this on many levels, the foremest being that Stephanie was
always my favorite. Sure she was a little annoying with her neediness
and insecurity about being the middle child, not to mention those
gigantic teeth, but I really connected with her. We were about the same
T.V. age and therefore I felt that the only T.G.I.F. star that I could
really relate with was Stephanie Tanner. The angst of being a preteen
in a large family, of having everyone ignore you, of your only claim to
fame in the sitcom world a shitty catchphrase of "HOW RUDE".
Her run on the show revealed her extensive range of her acting. From
outrage to sadness, a motherless child to a moody teenager, Sweetin
conveyed it all. Depth to an unlikable character, making everyone
express some emotion towards her, even if it was pity. Alas it couldn't
last forever, and after six years we bid a fond farewell to the comedy.
Full House was cancelled and Jodi Sweetin was expected to make her own
way in the world. Where does one in her position go? The classic
T.G.I.F. lineup had been disrupted and Jodi found herself at the worst
time for a young actress. Too old to be cute, too young to be sexy. She
was turned down, role after role given to someone else. The system wore
her down. They chewed her up and spit her out with nothing to fall back
on. Sure, officially she wanted to lead a "normal" life and go to
school with her "friends". Classmates didn't get along with Jodi.
Everyone was jealous. They didn't understand what it was like to be a
STAR.
I was disappointed that she didn't receive the recognition that her
other television siblings did. D.J. went onto Lifetime movies about
date rape, and those creepy twins made their own Direct to Video
empire. To me, Stephanie deserved a chance, a chance to make America
fall in love with her. She knew that she warranted the recognition and
the media mocked her; told her that she wasn't good enough. They
taunted her with glossy tabloids at the checkstands proclaiming the
"Olsen Twins" as stars. Candace Cameron Bure mocked her from her
untouchable pedestal of Christianity and thirty second spots on "I love
the 80's/90's". The Surreal Life never called and what was a former
child star to do? Turn to something that loved her without question.
Something that never judged her acting or celebrity status. Crystal
Meth might not have been the only answer, but it was the best way she
knew. This one's for you, Stephanie Tanner. At least you didn't do porn
like that Family Matters girl.
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| Thai Old Whore + Wetback = BAD NEWS |
[01 Feb 2006|12:00am] |
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Television |
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David please tell me that you watched the people's court today.
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| Happy New Years!! |
[29 Jan 2006|04:25am] |
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"Worlds Greatest Car Chases Caught On Tape" |
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Happy New Year everyone. I went to Meling's and I got $17, piles of
crab and other chinese staples, and shark fin soup. Hooray! I want to
set off some fireworks now. I called Danny overseas which is probably
going to cost me a thousand dollars a minute and he sounded like he was
having fun. David and I watched a documentary on HBO about mentally
challenged kids that star in a production of "The Wizard of
Oz." Click the picture to enjoy!
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| OPRAH IS THE FUCKING BEST |
[26 Jan 2006|06:12pm] |
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"Bang Bang" Nancy Sinatra |
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Everyone has to see James Frey on Oprah. She goes off on him and Frank
Rich is there. It's been called the BEST TV EVER by gawker.com. If you
can't watch the encore tonight go to www.gawker.com
where they have coverage. The best part is when Frey says that
he's going to shoot himself in the head. God I wish I had
recorded it.
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| Oddly intrigued |
[26 Jan 2006|02:24am] |
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 curious |
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Supersonic by Trizzie and Tuan Anh |
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Where does one get those awesome nail Freddie Kueger/Edward Scissorhands things?
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| The Little Things In Life |
[25 Jan 2006|10:32pm] |
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Law and Order |
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Name five simple pleasures that you might take for granted:
- When you're running on the treadmill and all the up and down motion helps you take a really, really satisfying crap
- Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting really into it and THEN the screen flashes UPDATE All is right in the world
- My salad spinner that Danny got me for Christmas. I can have dry lettuce, spinach, and basil!
- Getting a pedicure
- How homeless people are so entertaining in Berkeley
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| Look Kids! |
[25 Jan 2006|11:45am] |
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 silly |
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Selena - Dreaming Of You |
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I have decided to award people who actually read this shit by giving
you a free song! Hooray. Load up your ipods kids. This song will be
available until I get arrested for piracy for one week
and I promise that it won't disapoint.
Cocaine - The Party Andersons
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| My Racist Dog |
[24 Jan 2006|10:36pm] |
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Goldfrapp Ooh La La |
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My dog bit a black person on the ass today. It was my sister's friend and it didn't break the skin, however I'm wondering if I should just ask the KKK to adopt him so he can aid their organization.
P.S. - My mom got a reading from some famous psychic who told her that I'm going to have four kids. That sucks. Not like I believe in shit like that, okay maybe a part of me does. The extremely superstitious catholic part. Aint my fault I'm Irish and Hispanic.
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| MYSPACE SUCKS ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS |
[24 Jan 2006|03:56am] |
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Etta James |
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Recently, I changed my status from In A Relationship to Single
because well... I'm not in a relationship anymore. BIG FUCKING
MISTAKE: I now receive daily messages and add requests looking for an introduction.
Which means fuck. Something else occurs to me; my profile lists
me as a proud parent (and a well paid scientologist) purely for
fun. Now I understand why I'm attracting the dregs of
society! They're looking for easy single mother with low
standards and loose vagina fuck. God damn it. I have to change my
profile all together. No longer can I be a high earning unwed
mother who believes in Lord Xenu and body phaetons. Damn it.
Some examples of the diamonds in the rough that have contacted me and their messages:
good evening
how are you tonight? hope your doing good? as for me just relexing at
home after worka nd watching my neice and her cusin. their sleeping
now. as for me i was tired and a little bored. been a member here never
on and i though i come on to look around and see what up on here. well
saw your page just want to say nice pic nice pose and nice smile and i
like what you wrote about your self, i bet your man or any man be lucky
to hollor at ya. i hope you have a good evening how old your child my
neice just turned 9 on the 15th of november
That was the best one. The other go along the lines of "Hey
what's up. What are you doing tonight? Are you alone?" Etc.
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| Brokeback Mountain |
[22 Jan 2006|04:18am] |
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Folsom Prison Blue - Johnny Cash |
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"Vegans smell like hot garbage, Sierra Nevada, and Patchouli."
Alex Blagger
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| Mexican Tattoos |
[16 Jan 2006|11:14pm] |
We (Meling, Danny, Macklin and I) found this awesome liquor store that sells religious, gangsta, and all together ghetto temporary
Mexican tattoos. Macklin got one with Jesus praying on it but I
accidentally put on upside down so it looks like Jesus in diving into his
asscrack.
Here are some lovely images:
( CLICK ME NOW! )
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| CONFESSION |
[14 Jan 2006|04:50am] |
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I'M GOING INSANE |
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AB LOUNGE INFOMERCIAL |
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I took these crazy caffiene pills that Meling and I found at a truck stop on the way to L.A. They're called SWARM and are black and yellow and I took the two leftover and I can't sleep EVER!!!>
My head hurts and I feel all jittery. This reminds me of when I used to take diet pills. But worse. I've put together an end table, ran two miles, bought next semester's textbooks, vacuumed, remade my bed with online instructions from Martha Stewart, and organized my tupperware. I am going insane. I will never take trucker's speed again. I promise. Please, if there's a lord in heaven, let me come down. I'm supposed to meet someone in four hours. My mouth is dry. *crawls in fetal position*
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| Wait... one more thing |
[14 Jan 2006|04:32am] |
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The Electric Six is coming to S.F.! David is coming. You got that! You better be reading this. Because I'm buying you and Danny tickets. He's back from Japan by then. We're going to rock the party with barcardi. David, you can have a fruit smoothie.
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| I'M NOT GONNA TURN DOWN NO SHRIMP |
[12 Jan 2006|05:48pm] |
I'm teaching a Kaplan SAT class starting in two weeks. Ryan says that I
shouldn't be allowed to accept this position because of the predatory
nature of my affection for sixteen year old boys.
Nonsense!!!
Meling, Macklin, and I found a store in the Mission that sells
Jesus/Mexican Temp. tattoos. I'll post the pics when Meling sends
them to me. For right now, here's
NEW YEAR'S EVE PICTURES... HOORAY!!!
( More )
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| NEW YEARS EVE |
[04 Jan 2006|11:59pm] |
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Paula Abdul - Opposites attract |
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Happy Birthday BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay so
after all the fuss and stress of Christmas, I was looking forward to a
boring, relaxed New Years. We ended up going to see Dengue Fever
and they were awesome. The exciting part of the night occurred when I
got really drunk and followed Macklan out to smoke a cigarette.
He started engaging these stupid indie kids in a conversation about
France and amazed them with stories about Paris, so on and so forth. I
was barely standing up and one of the guys (greasy hair, indie kid
wannabe facial hair, pale skin, black shirt, tight jeans) started
hugging me. Getting irritated, I told him that I didn't respect
his whole emo, shitty death cab for cutie bullshit scene and he got
offended. Somehow, that was even funnier to me and I started
patronizing him and he was getting angrier, making sounds of
"I am not an indie kid... I liked *blank* before they were even signed"
and more standard bullshit. I started laughing at him and HE FUCKING SLAPS ME ACROSS THE FACE... and get this... runs away!!
I
know sometimes when I become belligerent drunk, I deserve to be
HIT. I'll admit it... I'm an angry cunt when I get wasted.
But not SLAPPED by a fucking lame emo pussy for the following reasons:
- Everything I said to him was completley true and not that offensive
- I was able to say only like three complete sentences due to my condition
- HE RAN AWAY AND DIDN'T LET ME HIT HIM BACK
- He hit me hard and I didn't enjoy it
- The person I was with was a FRENCH GAY MAN
- HE RAN AWAY LIKE A FUCKING PUSSY
- He was wearing converse and a BRIGHT EYES SHIRT
- He was PALER THAN CONOR OBERST
- HE LIKED DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
- DID I MENTION THAT HE RAN AWAY WHILE I WAS STILL HOLDING THE SIDE OF MY FACE THAT BURNED LIKE FIRE
- HE FUCKING SLAPPED ME... NOT PUNCHED BUT SLAPPED... GAY MEN AND PIMPS SLAP
I found Danny in the club and told him
and he wanted to avenge my honor but couldn't because apparently the
indie kid ran all the way home. So we got drunker, ended up in
the Castro, and took a cab home. Meling pissed off the cab driver
with her drunken banter and he yelled at us. When we finally made
it back to Danny's, I started experiencing the worst hangover of my
life and forced myself to go to sleep. New Years turned out to be
fun but I'm still pissed about that fucking pussy. If you ever
see some twat in plastic glasses with facial hair, just hit him.
Even if it isn't him, they probably deserve it.
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| Merry Christmas |
[27 Dec 2005|07:42pm] |
I'm still in LA cause I'm lame and it was raining so I didn't want to drive. Christmas wasn't so bad... my presents were really nifty. I got a lot of stuff on my magical wishlist:
Danny got me a salad spinner and Hannukuh Gelt
(he couldn't find a driedl)
Ryan got me a leatherbound Franklin Library edition of Robinson Carusoe and Vintage french stationary
My sister got me a pricey haircut and a cashmere scarf, mittens, sweater, and socks
My mom gave me a Venus razor
David got me the burned copy of the David Bowie song and A JEWEL ENCRUSTED PIMP CUP THANKS BABY!!!!!!
Meling got me a poker themed ashtray
Alas people also decided not to follow the wishlist and bought me stuff of their own choosing:
Danny got me the good vibrations guide to porn and masturbation
Ryan got me a Robert Redford time magazine from the 60's and a sudoku book for the toilet
Meling got me a Ted Baker purse and the TEEN WITCH DVD!!!
Dan got me a gift certificate to borders (lame) and a Louis Vuitton wallet (lame)
ALOT of my neighbors, random acquaintances, and clients gave me liquor
My mom got me two pairs of seven jeans, a flannel skirt, thermals, a super nice monsac blue purse, and a thousand dollars in AMEX gift cards
Kathy Horowitz (dog walking client) got me a fifty dollar gift card to Sephora
Jane Berson (dog walking client) got me a coach wristlet
Andrew got me set of sudoku books
Jen got me some Nordstrom camis
AND I BOUGHT MYSELF SOME FUCKING PUCCI WELLINGTONS
The mall was crazy the day after christmas and people were so rude. Oh yeah in other news... my mom ran over a homeless person. It was so sad. She felt bad and got out of her SUV (she actually rolled over his hand) but he was so cracked out he just asked for twenty dollars. I think my mom's more pissed that she had a dent in car now (j/k)
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| soooooooo tired |
[11 Dec 2005|03:05am] |
EVERYONE REPLY WITH WHAT THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS... ESPECIALLY YOU DAVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (MAKE A JOKE WISHLIST AT LEAST)
Went shopping at Valley Fair today. So many people, but on the plus side, I have almost everyone's present covered. Oh and I saw this ugly F.O.B. shoplift at Macy's so I told the clerk and later saw LP stopping her at the door. I hope she got sent to Macy's Jail. Macy's Jail is this holding room they put you where you have to sign a paper agreeing to to pay the cost of the item you stole plus five hundred dollars or be prosecuted by the man. Most people choose to pay the money. Nordstrom does the same thing except at the end they prosecute you anyways. SO funny!! Sometimes when I was bored at Macy's or Nordstrom, I would slowly walk back and forth between the LP station and the break room hoping to see some poor soul crying and begging to not be taken to jail. One time it was because I put an item into her bag because I didn't like her and I hoped she would get caught. How was I to know that she didn't have any money for bail and spent the week in jail. I'm a horrible person.
Everyone's complaining because they don't know what to get me... I thought my wish list was plenty clear. Some people that have to shop for me actually read this shit, so I will say that I really need a new big purse with long straps. And it has to be the right color. I'm really liking the Monsac papillion like purse in their new blue color.
I had an epiphany the other day when I was shopping for my mom. I'm exactly like her when it pertains to receiving gifts. I hate most of the presents people get me. Gift cards are tacky and thoughtless (I only get giftcards for people that I don't really know or care about) as are prepackaged gifts sets from bath and body works or whatever other place does shit like that. The worst is when you get one of those old lady gifts from Ross or Mervyn's. I hate Ross. And Mervyn's, Kohls, Sears, JC Penny, etc. They cater to midwesterners looking for mass produced shit made out of cheap materials. One of my grandfather's girlfriends gave me a floral hatbox filled with stationary. I then gave it to Meling as a joke. She gave it back to me a year later. I think my mom finally gave it to some employee of hers she especially didn't like. I hate getting clothing because I usually don't like what I pick out for myself most of the time, God forbid someone else decides that I needs another scratchy wool sweater. And there's the gift I abhor more than anything (with a few exceptions) I HATE getting CD's, DVD's, and Books. Usually they are more to the gifter's liking and besides IF I WANTED A DVD OR CD, I WOULD ALREADY HAVE IT. The exceptions are DVD's that I've actually talked about wanting more than ten times (yay! oprah DVD) and leatherbound books. I love leatherbound books. By the way, I'm not a spoiled bitch. I love shopping for people and I love giving people things but for some reason, I don't really like getting stuff. Usually because I'm very particular about the shit I buy.
After looking for HOURS for a gift for my mom, I finally settled on a diamond watch (that's right ONE diamond... I'm not paying to kill children in African mines) and an upright jewelery dresser from Bombay. Hopefully she'll like them enough to pretend to like them.
ONE MORE THING... THANKS TO RYAN
BIRTHDAY PICS
( Read more... )
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| Canadian Housewife Club |
[08 Dec 2005|01:07am] |
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Oh Canada by Celine Dion |
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I've become an unofficial member of the Canadian Housewives Club at the
dog park. Next week, we're going to bake holiday cookies and drink
Bailey's and coffee. Speaking of canucks... Jolene sent me the saddest
picture in the world of Molson. I bought him an outfit to travel to
Canada with and he looks so disgruntled. You can just see him muttering
in Yiddish and holding his back, complaining about life.
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